


Recovery

by pepi



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Memory Loss, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Recovery, Song Lyrics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-17
Updated: 2014-10-17
Packaged: 2018-02-21 12:52:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2468855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pepi/pseuds/pepi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You know your life is heading in a questionable direction when you're up for days with strangers and you can't remember anything except the way you sounded when you told me you didn't know what I should do.”</p>
<p>Bucky’s road to recovery. Inspired by Frank Turner’s song “Recovery”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Recovery

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to “Recovery” by Frank Turner one day and it just hit me how well this song fits for Steve and Bucky Post The Winter Soldier…  
> English is not my first language and this has never seen a beta… Hope it’s still readable ;)

_Blacking in and out in a strange flat in East London._   
_Somebody I don't really know just gave me something_   
_To help settle me down and to stop me from always thinking about you_   
_And you know your life is heading in a questionable direction_   
_When you're up for days with strangers and you can't remember anything_   
_Except the way you sounded when you told me you didn't know what I should do_

 

He wasn’t always completely there. He sometimes didn’t know where he was or who the people around him were. They weren’t his handlers; they didn’t give him a new target or put him into cryo freez. But then he would remember: He was in the Avengers Tower, Steve had found him and brought him here, trying to make him better. Steve… He always remembered Steve, at least a bit. Whenever someone came into his room, he asked about Steve and often Steve did come to see him. But Steve looked as lost as Bucky felt. “I don’t know how to help you, Bucky… I don’t know. But I won’t stop until you are better!” And so more strangers came to see him; doctors and more doctors. And some things helped, some didn’t. But Steve was there for him every step of the way, even the times when Bucky wasn’t sure anymore who this blond, beautiful man was and why he thought he knew him and why he wanted so badly to remember him.

 

_And I've been waking in the morning just like every other day_   
_And just like every boring blues song I get swallowed by the pain_   
_And so I fumble for your figure in the darkness just to make it go away_   
_But you're not lying there any longer and I know that that's my fault_   
_So I've been pounding on the floor and I've been crawling up the walls_   
_And I've been dipping in my darkness for serotonin boosters_   
_Cider and some kind of smelling salts_

 

Steve wasn’t doing any better than Bucky. Yes, he did remember Bucky; he remembered their childhood together, the war, his family, his friends… But that only made him miss all those people even more. Most of all he missed Bucky. His Bucky. The way the other man would look out for him even when Steve didn’t want him too. Or how Bucky would cuddle closer to him in their apartment in Brooklyn to keep him warm and later claim the same thing in the war, when both men knew it was more than just warmth they sought. He missed his Bucky so much, it hurt. Yes, he had found him, brought him back to the Avengers Tower, but Bucky wasn’t yet fully back. He didn’t remember everything, but he remembered Steve. He kept asking for Steve and Steve spend as much time in Bucky’s cell (because even with all the comfort his apartment gave him, it was still a cell) as he could and tried to be there for his friend. But every morning, he missed Bucky in his bed. He was doing better than he did before Bucky came back. He hadn’t tried to get drunk on Asgardian Ale, he wasn’t hitting his punching bags as hard as he used to and after months of talking to Sam, and sometimes Peggy, he started to believe that maybe he really couldn’t have saved Bucky from falling off that train. He was doing okay, but not well.

 

_And on the first night we met you said ["Well darling, let's make a deal._   
_If anybody ever asks us, let's just tell them that we met in jail."]_   
_And that's the story that I'm sticking to like a stony-faced accomplice_   
_But tonight I need to hear some truth if I'm ever getting through this_   
_Yeah you once sent me a letter that said, ["If you're lost at sea,_   
_Close your eyes and catch the tide my dear and only think of me."]_   
_Well darling now I'm sinking and I'm as lost as lost can be_   
_And I was hoping you could drag me up from down here towards my recovery_

 

“How did we meet?” Steve sighed; he had hoped he could wait a bit longer to tell this story. But Bucky looked at him with so much hope in his eyes; he just had to tell him. With another sigh Steve sat down next Bucky on the Couch. “There are two stories I could tell you about our first meeting: The one we told everyone when we got asked about it or the one that actually occurred.” Without missing a beat, Bucky mumbled “The real one, please.” And Steve started to talk. “You know I wasn’t always this… Big and healthy.” Bucky nodded. If truth be told, he actually remembered the skinny and sickly version of Steve better than the strong and healthy one. “Well, it was a hot day in Brooklyn and I was walking home from the grocery store with the vegetables for the soup mom wanted to make. I had been distracted by something, I think it was an alleycat, and was running late. So I walked faster than I should have with my asthma and of course before I knew it I had an attack. I was sitting on the sidewalk, leaning against a wall trying to even out my breathing when suddenly a bigger guy sat down next to me and looked at me with big, blue eyes. I thought he was going to steal my groceries. But no, he asked me if he could help me with anything. That was you. You sat down on the sidewalk next to a boy you didn’t know just to ask if you could help him. Of course I couldn’t tell you how to help me with all the coughing and not being able to breath, but after the attack was over you insisted on taking the grocery bags. I thought you would run off with them, but no, you walked with me all the way to my mom’s flat and introduced yourself to her as my friend and asked her if there was anything you could do the next time I had an attack. The next day you were standing outside of my door and asked me if I wanted to come join you at the park…” Bucky smiled at Steve, something that wasn’t happening nearly as often as Steve wished it would. “That is a nice story, makes me sound like a good guy.” And the smile was gone. “You are a good guy!” Steve knew it wasn’t really helping, but he sure as hell was not going to stop telling Bucky that. “And what’s the story we told everyone?” Now it was Steve’s time to smile. “We told everyone I was fighting two big guys because they were trying to steal my groceries and you stepped in and helped me. It was still a story that showed how good you are, but it didn’t show how I couldn’t even walk in the heat without getting and asthma attack.” Bucky smiled again and Steve counted that as a win. 

 

_If you could just give me a sign, just a subtle little glimmer_   
_Some suggestion that you'd have me if I could only make me better_   
_Then I would stand a little stronger as I walk a little taller, all the time_   
_Because I know you are a cynic but I think I can convince you_   
_Yeah, 'cause broken people can get better if they really want to_   
_Or at least that's what I have to tell myself if I am hoping to survive_

 

It started slowly and subtle: Steve’s hand on Bucky’s shoulder that lingered there a bit too long to be simply friendly and supportive. A smile on Steve’s face when there was nothing to smile about, except for Bucky. A stare from Steve that lingered too long on Bucky’s face. The thing was: Bucky remembered how he and Steve were before… everything. He remembered how this had happened before the war, how those touches and smiles and stares kept happening and happening. Bucky remembered being more than friends with Steve. He remembered nights spend together in bed, he remembered kisses and confessions of love. He remembered loving Steve, being in love with him. And Steve felt the same way about him. And now, now Steve did all those small things that started their relationship years ago. “Steve?” The other man looked up from where he was sitting on the floor, smiling at Bucky. “When I… When I’m better, truly better. Can we… like, before? Can we try that again?” Steve kept smiling at him. “Yes Bucky, I would love that.” Bucky nodded, feeling happier than he had in a long time. But he had to keep talking. “But I… I’m not ready. Not yet… I can’t... I…” Steve got up from the floor and sat down next to him on the couch, pulling Bucky against his chest, hugging him. “I know. That’s okay. We can take it slow again. You tell me what you need and I will help you to get to where you need to be.” Bucky cuddled closer to Steve. It gave him hope, made him want to work on his recovery even harder. Knowing Steve was there for him, wanted to be with him the way there were before. It made him stronger.

 

_It's a long road up to recovery from here_   
_A long way back to the light_   
_A long road up to recovery from here_   
_A long way to making it right_

_So darling, sweet lover, won't you help me to recover_   
_Darling, sweet lover, won't you help me to recover_   
_Darling, sweet lover, won't you help me to recover_   
_Darling, sweet lover, one day this will all be over_

 

It was hard, there were bad days and there were really bad days. But Bucky fought his way back. And Steve was with him every step of the way. Supporting him, helping him and sometimes suffering with him. But he did make it back; he was James Buchanan Barnes again. He wasn’t the Bucky Steve knew from before the war, but then again; Steve wasn’t the Steve Bucky knew from before the war either. But they had survived, together. They were still recovering and probably will keep on recovering till the end of the line. But they did it together.


End file.
